The Why

Dear Everybody,

I know, it's late. Actually with me being on teacher schedule, it's SUUUPER late...But I know if I don't do this now...I won't. It'll just live on in my mind, which isn't good at all. So, we just got done watching a movie called Breakthrough. It's a great, super well done movie, 5 stars. BUT. It is a very similar story to Grahams, and left me sobbing in confusion, anger, and just a raw realization that tomorrow, I have to wake up and do another day, without him. Without my sweet best friend. I think one of the hardest things about being a Christian, and also losing someone you love like we did, is that it's a dichotomy. We believe in the God of the Old Testament, who brought water out of a stone, we believe in the God of the New Testament who brought the walls of the jail down while Paul and Silas stood inside praying. We even believe in the God who we've seen work in this day and age, he really IS the great physician, and no one would dare dispute that. So then you're left with this question; if we know you can do all these things, and we've seen how you've done it for others, why did you not save him? Why are we still here, almost 7 years later still missing him? Why did he not pull through? Did we pray hard enough? Should we have done something different? Where were you, the Great Physician? I don't get it!!! Obviously many of these questions will never be answered. Many of these qustions we just will have to save until we get to heaven, where we'll see all the answers. But seeing these stories of people who almost died, only to be brought back to life, almost makes me a little bitter. My flawed human mind is left thinking, "Well that's great and all, but what about us?" And the Devil sees that, and plays off of that but by the grace of God, he cannot and will not win. Yeah, there are still a TON of questions I have about my brothers death. Did I hope for it to turn out differently? Absolutely! Do I still miss him every day? 100%. But, and this is a big but, we are armed with the TRUTH. I may not know a lot about why things happened, but here's what I do know.

1. Every person on this Earth has a purpose.
In Ephesians 2:10, it says "For we are God's MIGHTY handiwork, created in Christ Jesus, to do good works, which God prepared for us to do", and again in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in ALL THINGS God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." The Lord had a purpose for Graham's life, and the legacy he left, no matter how short it was. It didn't surprise him! He knew all along what was going to happen. God has prepared EACH of us with a purpose on this earth, and no one's purpose is greater than anyone else's purpose. My purpose is and continues to be JUST as important and unique as Graham's was in the Lord's eyes. 

2. You can't change it.
Here's a real hard truth friends; if it is in his will, it's not going to change. You cannot "will" someone to survive. Unfortunately, that was the Lord's will for my brother. I find myself many times questioning why, but in those moments I have to step back, and remind myself of the TRUTH that I know in Psalm 33:11, "But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purpose of his heart through all generations." Or later in Isaiah 46:10, "I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say 'My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.'" Essentially, he's the creator of the Universe, there's no way, no matter how stubborn or defiant you are, you are not going to change God's mind. He's God, you're not--just be thankful for that.

3. I'm not ever going to "Get Better".
Y'all. This is so freaking real. It's not backed by the bible, but it's backed by my own and my families experience. I want to include something from a "letter" to my brother written in 2018, "I miss you so, so much; on some days literally everything reminds me of you, and it's all I can do to just put on a brave face and try to make it through. Then, there are some days when the pain is less, and life seems almost normal, and for me those days can be the hardest. Having those days reminds me that I am moving on, and that I've construction some version of my life without you being in it. That makes my heart hurt." The moment I stop missing him, or sharing stories about him, or remembering the little things, is the same moment that he is not a part of my life anymore. I never, ever want to forget my brother, and the kind of person he was. So, no. I don't have to "move on", because that's just not realistic, and besides that, it's insensitive, and shows that the nature of grief is a sick, ugly, uncomfortable thing sometimes. 

So there. Those are my "truths" to the most daunting question that I will probably face in my lifetime--WHY. Yes, I miss him every day. I work hard to make him proud every day. I hope that one day down the road, I'll be able to look back and have at least a few answers, but if not I have these truths.

Best big brother,

forever ans always.

<3 Rose

New Chapters

Dear Everybody,

Quite honestly, I don't even know where to start, one second I was setting foot off on this incredible new journey at App, absolutely terrified but doing it anyway...and then I blinked, and here I am again. The door to this journey is closing quickly, and I can see over the horizon a new, life-changing, God-ordained journey just waiting for me, and I am just as scared and just as heart-broken to be leaving this chapter behind. I remember my first night on campus, I decided to "be brave" and meet some new friends, but about an hour later I ended up calling my Mom and telling her that I had made a mistake, and she needed to come to get me. I had never not lived with my parents, I'd never not been in a close-knit Christian community, the "sheltered world" that I lived in and loved had just been blown away before my eyes, and the reality was just too much. I could've left App, given the choice at that moment, I probably WOULD have left App, but my Mom acted out of what she knew about her daughter, she spoke truth and wisdom into my life. She told me, "Rose. You will be fine. You just have to find "your people". The people you met tonight weren't them, and that is okay. Don't give up searching, they're out there, somewhere waiting for you!" I've never been so grateful for a phone conversation in my whole life, she knows me well, and she knew what I needed at that moment. Two days later, my Mom proved that she was right, as mom always is, I met "my people" and my journey at App truly began. My journey in Boone has not always been super easy and fun, I have faced deep struggles, and walked through dark parts of my life, but through every pitfall, and through every valley, I have grown. I have grown from being someone who constantly strives for perfection and approval from others to someone who seeks every day to find her identity in a beloved child of God. I've grown from being "Just another Stevens kid" to loving being an individual, an adult, and not just "a package deal". But what would have happened if I had left that night? What would happen if we allow the fear that we so often feel to control us? My first thought when I asked myself this question is that I would have never found Alliance, which has served as a college church, a place to rest, a meeting place, and for the last year, it's been my place of work. More than that though, I would have never met the people who have loved me so well over the past two years, the people who have left such HUGE impacts on my life and on my heart! These people have quickly become some of the best friends, prayer partners, mentors, encouragers, and some of the most faithful people I've ever met! If I had let fear control my actions that night, and even my first full weekend at college, my life would look completely different. So, as I stand here, preparing for this next big chapter of my life, filled with fear and anxiety about my future and what it holds, I can hear the Lord encouraging me, "Take the leap. Do the hard thing. Trust that I'll be there to catch you." If you find yourself in a similar place tonight, I want to encourage you. Fear is a normal thing, it sucks, but it is a reality of our human nature. However, you can be afraid, and still do the thing that is scary to you! You don't have to allow fear to dictate your actions! You do NOT have to crawl back into your shell and wait for the scary thing in life to be over. Because the minute you find the strength to poke your head back out of your shell, life will throw something else at you, and you'll be right back where you started. As I meditate on the story of Joshua and the fear he was facing as he led the Israelites, I can almost hear the Lord as he speaks to me, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

<3 Always,

Rose

My Idol

Dear Everybody,

So, you may be looking at the title of this blog, and be thinking, "hmm...that's...new?" And it is, but also it's not. It's common knowledge that in the Christian faith, one of the biggest things we're not supposed to do is to have idols. Dictionary.com refers to idolatry as "excessive, or blind adoration, reverence or devotion." Now stop and think about that last word, DEVOTION. Where does your devotion ultimately lie? To your family? To money? To your grades? None of these things are necesarily bad, it's good to care about all of these, but your ULTIMATE devotion should be to Lord as a christian. Now, life happens, money is tight, kids get sick, jobs get hard, and that devotion begins to get refocused onto something else, it's just a part of humanity that we have to CONSTANTLY be redirecting. For me, it has always been perfection. When I say perfection, I mean in school, I want to be "that" student, knowing all the answers, turning in all the assignments on time, getting 100% on tests, basically I want to be Hermione Granger...

So bit by bit, slowly but surely, this became my idol, and I strayed away from relying on the Lord when it came to my schoolwork. If there was one thing I could do well, it was school. Well, this week the Lord basically said, "HAH! You think you can do this on your OWN? Funny joke Rose..." Emotional exhaustion hit me, physically obstacles stood in my way, I blinked, and I was in the library at 10:30 sobbing because I knew; there was NO. WAY. These assignments would get done. I had done all I could, it was time to take drastic measures, it was time to...ask for HELP. 

So, maybe I'm a tad dramatic, but seriously, for me to ask for help, the house is burning down, like things are NOT good. So I sat there, writing out this email to my professors and that's when the enemy stepped in and took control, "Look, you've failed. Just like everyone always said you would. There it is, sitting in black and white, you SUCK." I thought to myself as I wrote these emails and this massive wave of helplessness came over me, and I just sobbed. It was then in that moment that I realized, I 100% was putting my identity in being the "type A" perfect student and NOT in being a FREAKING DAUGHTER OF A KING, AND ALSO THE CREATOR OF THE EARTH. I felt the Lord speak to me as I left the library that night, "Rose, you are not a failure, you are my beloved child, whom I knew in your mothers womb, you are perfect in my eyes, and nothing you can do will ever change that. You can't run away from my love." My identity should not be in that type A girl, because she's not happy, she's not able to enjoy her life, and why not? Well, because she hasn't been given an eternity's worth of grace, she's not been redeemed over and over again, she does know the meaning of TRUE forgiveness, even when she doesn't deserve it. But this daughter of king? She has all of this and more! She is LAVISHLY loved despite her many countless mistakes! So I'm working, I'm changing, my heart is stirred, to walk away from "that girl" and toward "His daughter". It's a learning process, and I have only just begun this hard journey, but I'm so, so ready. So, my dear readers, if you are living life with an idol, I urge you, LET. IT. GO. Lay it at our Savior's feet, and be blessed, that's all there is to it! Nothing you could do or will ever do will ever be too messy or too far-gone for our great savior to not only forgive you, but LOVE you! 

<3 Always,

Rose

Broccoli Salad

Dear Everybody,

*Before I dive into this post, this is something that is incredibly personal to me, and something I'm continuing to work on each day, so please be mindful of that when making comments or judgements.*

For as long as I've been alive, I've been very perfectionistic, and a bit of a control freak, from the things that I wear, to the words I say, sometimes even the things that the boys wear or do, I want everything to be a very specific way. However, I also have this great thing called ADHD/Anxiety that is pretty much always screaming, "THERE ISN'T TIME, JUST THROW IT TOGETHER." Sounds healthy, right? ;) At this point, you may be reading this and reading the title of the post and thinking, "Did I miss something?" Hang in there. We're getting there. The need for perfection, order, and structure in my life has been both a blessing and a curse, it has made me into a terrific student who strives to make A's all the time, and it has created me into the kind of person who is 100% fully committed and giving all of myself to absolutely everything that I do. At the same time, it's driven my anxiety to have an even stronger hold on my life, and it has led to some self-esteem issues that convinced me that I cannot and will not ever be good enough.

A great example of this happened just a few weeks ago on Christmas Eve. My mom, who's a mom of 6 kids and has prepared the christmas meals for the past 25 years figured it was time for a change, and assigned each of the kids one dish to make. I got broccoli salad(See! We got there!). Now up front, I was actually a little excited to take a stab at making one of my favorite dishes...until it came to cutting the broccoli. "Mom? What size should these be?" I asked, my mind already spiraling into a frenzied panic. "It's your dish, whatever size is fine!" Mom responded. BAM. I flipped out. Those dang broccoli florets were not going to be perfect, nowhere near the same as the next. So here I was, standing in the kitchen, sobbing because I knew I couldn't make the dish to my standards, and after about 5 or 10 minutes something in my mind finally clicked. "Is this master chef? A meal for the queen? Is it REALLY going to matter if it's not perfect?" 

This moment, no matter how pointless or silly it may seem to someone else really provided me with some clarity. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to do your best, as long as you keep in perspective that you are human, and by extension NOT perfect. Like, not even close. It is not fair to hold yourself to a standard that the Lord of all the Earth did not make for you. That's what makes God love so important, and so unique, he sees every SINGLE one of our "broccoli salads", those things that are messy, unrefined, and dare I say it, IMperfect and he loves us anyway! If we were indeed "perfect", there would be no need for a Savior, or a cross! He is made perfect in OUR weakness, and that is exactly why we need him, each and every day. So, my goal for myself not only in this semster, but in 2019 and throughout the rest of my life, is to do my BEST in all that I'm involved with, but to do it with the mindset of my life being a testimony of the Lords love for me. With every mistake that is made, every mismatched sock, every time I'm running late, every B I make, the Lord is reminding me that I need him deseperately. I will never be perfect, I will never be close to it, I will always be an imperfect, mismatched little broccoli floret, and I'm so stinking grateful for that. 

<3 Always, 

Rose

Be Somebody

Dear Everybody,

As many of you know, I've had the awesome opportunity to start being in the schools more regularly this semester as a part of my program at App. Well, yesterday something happened at lunch that really shook me to the core, and made me so, so sad. It started when my entire fifth-grade class decided that they didn't want to sit by one particular student, but because he is an 11-year-old boy, he didn't want to show how much that hurt him. Well, as lunch continued, the kids continued to pick on him in ways that seemed "harmless" to them, but it eventually left the student in tears and wondering what he had done. Now granted, this particular student is known to not be the nicest, but does that make this okay? This child has no friends at school, and all he wants is to be loved by his peers, just like any other child, sometimes it's not portrayed in the best way, but he tries. What really got me was the fact that no one, not one student came to his defense, or let their friends know that what they were doing is not okay, and I realized that this truly is a learned behavior that is encouraged in our culture, and through the parents. There is something that happened between the time I went to elementary school and now that students have become desensitized to bullying that takes place. I don't know what it is, whether it's our culture, the tv shows that these kids are watching, the books they're reading, or whether it's actions that they see in their parents, and they're mimicking that, but the bottom line is that it's not okay. It's our job as adults in a child's life to train them to "be somebody who makes somebody feel like somebody", teach them about the importance of kindness, and how we can have an impact on how someone feels, whether it's positive or negative. Every day these kids have a chance to impact someone's life, but if they're not aware of how their words can impact another person, how can they be expected to make the right decisions? There should have been someone to stand up for this child and set the standard for how we should be treating each other. Now I will say, once the lunchroom monitors saw what happened, they did a fantastic job addressing the situation, and my classroom teacher did the same. But the point I'm trying to make is that while kids can and will always be mean, wanting to try and "break you", if there's even just ONE kid who speaks up, that can make all the difference. I can correct them until I'm blue in the face, but that will never carry the same impact of another child saying "Hey guys, that's not cool." Will your child be that student? Because we desperately need those students. I don't want parents to be rubbed the wrong way, I am in no way trying to criticize your parenting, you could do all the right things, train them to know about compassion and empathy, and they could still choose to not make the right decision, depending on the situation. What I am saying is that we need to put the emphasis on kindness over anything else(except for religion, but that's unrelated). There's a great quote by L.R. Knost that says "It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless." That's what I strive to teach to my future students, and to my future kids. 

College Connection

Dear Everybody,

It's been a while since I've posted here! This semester has been a very busy season of life for me, between being an intern at the church, and approaching the time in my schooling where I can almost see the finish line, but I am also aware that there's so much between now and then, it's been nuts. It's been draining. It's been hard. But, in the past few weeks, in particular, I found myself being so, SO grateful for this awesome church community that I've been able to find. There's something special about the particular college ministry that runs out of Alliance Bible Fellowship, maybe it's the intentionality of our students and leaders to build a Christ-like community, maybe it's the rock-solid faith that our students have and encourage their friends around them to have as well, honestly, we may never know. However, I do know one thing, when I walk into the church on Sunday nights, I know with every fiber of my being, I'm where I'm meant to be right now. When I walk into college connection, there is a genuine love, and care for each other that we don't tend to see on campus, there are friendships that are so deeply rooted in the Lord and in love for one another, it's sort of unreal. It's so much more than just a community of friends, it's so much more than people who share a common bond, it's truly incredible to come together before we go out into our daily lives every week and just be reminded that we are not, and we will never be alone. When I came into College Connection last Fall, I was incredibly anxious, I felt lost, and alone, and if we're being honest, I spent the first night of college connection on the bathroom floor throwing up because I was THAT anxious. Despite my nerves and everything else that was going on though, I felt nothing but love and kindness towards me. From then on, College connection has been my support system, my home away from home, and a second family to me. It these people that send me texts throughout the week reminding me how much I am loved, or that they're praying for me. These are the people who, when they know I've had a bad day, they go out and buy me a cupcake and talk with me for hours. These are the people who will leave their class to come sit with me in the ER for 8 hours. These are the people who have truly shown me what it means to be the hands and feet of Christ in a very broken world. These are the people that have made my college experience what it is, and what it will continue to be, by the grace of God. These are the people who I know will all be at my wedding someday, if they're not standing up there with me as a bridesmaid or a groomsman. I feel so incredibly lucky to have such an awesome community of believers as I've navigated my college career, and I know the moments that we spend together will not soon be forgotten. 

<3 Always,

Rose

Philippians 4:13

Dear Everyone,

     For many of you who see me on a daily basis in Boone, you know that this year has not been an easy one. This year, I've been tried and tested in so many ways, I've been faced with family issues, health issues, managing school, managing working 2 part time jobs, being a pretty prevalent part of two separate college ministries, raising support money and trusting God with that, as well as my first overseas mission trip ever. Whew, it's been a year! But the Lord has been working in and through each and every situation this year, and I've always known that whatever comes my way, he'll be right there, fighting the battle beside me. More than anything else though, the Lord has been teaching me that the phrase, "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength." is not only highly overrated, but it also can lead to some faulty thinking, especially when combined with the pride of an early 20 year old living her first year away from home. ;)The first thing that has really opened my eyes to this verse is that far too often, it is taken completely out of context. The context is that Paul is a prisoner because of his faith, and is writing a letter to the church of Philippi who has been lifting him up in prayer continually through this journey. In verse 12, he explains to the Philippians, " I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." and THEN and only then does it go into the secret, which is "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength. I've never really liked this phrase, for a number of reasons, but for me in particular, using that phrase is a cop-out. It may seem like an oxymoron, but for me relying on this verse allows me to be able to put the control back into my own hands, rather than in God's. I've always been a control-freak, and incredibly perfectionistic, wanting no help from anyone at any point in time, but I really think that that has gone through the ROOF in the past year as I didn't have the constant life-line of my parents ready and willing to bail me out at any moment. Obviously they're still there, ready to help me out at any moment, but in a more distant way. Anyways, when I think about this phrase, I see(at least when I use it) the emphasis of this sentence being taken away from the word Christ, and put onto the word I. WE get to know that WE can do all things because WE trust in the Lord, if you look at it that way, it's not hard to see how it could quickly turn into a slippery slope. The second reason that this verse has been a bother to me in the past year especially is that in my mind, it gives me the ability to commit myself to everything, and do everything well. Yes, you CAN do all things through Christ, but he's not necessarily asking you to. He's not necessarily calling you to be the straight A student, the head of the student body, the church intern, the model Christian on campus, and also maintain a social life. He's not asking us to overcommit ourselves to the point of mental breakdown, and neglecting our own needs, and that's definitely been a HARD lesson for me to learn this year. What he IS asking us to do though, is to simply do our best to be the best godly witness that we can be in whatever situations we may find ourselves in. Like he says to the Philippians, "I know what it is to be in want, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being CONTENT in any and every situation."  He is certainly not calling us to rely on  our own strength, or to overcommit and busy ourselves with seemingly useless tasks. Instead, he calls us to be content in HIM, who is able to do immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine. For me, this coming summer, I want to focus my life around being able to find contentment in the Lord, in whatever situation he brings, and I would challenge you to do the same, and have an attitude of "I can do all things THROUGH HIM who gives me STRENGTH." And not "I can do all things through him who give ME strength." I so appreciate the many prayers you all have prayed as I've struggled down this hard road this year, but I also know that it wasn't MY prayer that allowed me to continue, or YOUR prayer that gave me strength to make it through the next day, but rather it was the LORD working in me, and through those prayers that has allowed me to struggle down this road, and now, to see the light at the end of the tunnel coming into view. 

I love you all!

Rose